First of all, I do not advocate for long distance relationships during Peace Corps service because of how strenuous the experience is and how many unforeseen variables come into play. However, I do not think it is necessary to end a relationship when entering the Peace Corps and it is reasonable to at least one to try to make things work, but there are a few things to keep in mind.
Peace Corps service is a very volatile experience. Volunteers (and their significant others) experience more extreme ups and downs. Some of us like to call it "the roller coaster." In my experience the first 3 months in village and the unexpected civil unrest earlier this year were the most difficult part of my long distance relationship. However, neither of these experiences had a direct effect on my relationship ending. Naturally, higher stress situations put a strain on a relationship so the transition periods and periods of unexpected hardship will be particularly difficult. For me I think that my ex and I did not do enough preparatory work. The following are things I tried that work, things I wish I had tried and things I didn't know before coming to Burkina.
Here are some general tips:
1) Communicate:
Communicate a lot before you leave and once you get there. Most Peace Corps posts have phones and internet available (I am in one of the more remote posts in Peace Corps and I have both). I think communication before leaving is most important. Make sure you are on the same page about how often you want to talk, how you want to communicate and what your boundaries are.
Something to keep in mind is that there is a such thing as too much communication for the volunteer in the earlier stages. Integration into the volunteer's new community requires a degree of mental distancing from home. Once the new surroundings become mundane frequent communication with home will likely be more of a help than a hindrance in terms of coping with every day life in a foreign environment. Before that point though, volunteers with significant others sate-side will likely feel exaggerated homesickness in comparison to single volunteers.
To partners of volunteers: your problems and feelings are important. It is natural to feel as though your partner is going through much more than you. Don't allow this feeling to prevent you from communicating your needs. Unaddressed needs will lead to resentment, cheating or emotional distancing. It is a good idea, however to communicate your needs when you are both calm and can be fully present. Try writing down your feelings before calling your partner.
2) Boundaries
Setting realistic and appropriate boundaries is paramount. It is very important to reach a consensus before departure and to explicitly check in on the status of each individual boundary periodically. Major talking points may include: monogamy/cheating, drug use/lifestyle choices, communication frequency and financial expenditures. One exercise you could try is to independently write down boundaries and then compare. This will allow all interested parties to have their boundaries addressed. For example: if monogamy is on one partner's list but not on another it is a good point of discussion.
I think that one of the biggest talking points is monogamy and cheating. It is a good idea to discuss
what both terms mean to you and what constitutes cheating. Open relationships are always an option if the terms are agreed upon. Seattle sex columnist and editor of "The Stranger" Dan Savage suggests a no questions asked approach, where partners agree to aim for monogamy, but be safe and keep it to yourself if you should need some fun on the side. Regardless of your decision, it needs to be mutual and revisited periodically.
Be realistic! State side partners will likely have more temptations (especially if it is a same-sex couple since gay rights and communities are limited in most Peace Corps countries. State side partners will also have much less change to deal with except the temporary "loss" of their partner. PCVs can put relationships in the back of their heads behind difficulties and events such as trying to figure out how to eat safely, the excitement of new experiences or new security risks. Ultimately it is up to each individual to be honest with themselves and their partners. Your feelings and needs may change over time and require--surprise, surprise!-- more communication.
3)Counseling and Mental Health
I cannot stress how awesome counseling with the right counselor can be. In my opinion everyone should do periodic counseling.
So, when it comes to contemplating a relationship, open relationship or breakup it is always a good idea to think about having an objective professional third party. Whether you do counseling together or separate, counseling can help you gain perspective on your emotions, potential issues and potential solutions.
I wish that my ex and I had gone to counseling together or separately before we left and I wish that my ex had attend counseling regularly after I left. It would have been good for them overall, if it wouldn't have helped us retain our relationship. Your relationship can be functioning well in person, but long distance can aggravate problems in either partner's lives or in there relationship. One person may have depression and not be aware of it or there may be blocks in certain aspects of communication that neither partners are aware of. It is easy to miss slow changes or ruts without some outside help.
Even if you are considering breaking up or think that your relationship is perfect I think it is a good idea to do counseling if it is feasible. Why? Because in the worst case scenario you change your mind and find a better solution. In the best case scenario you just confirm that you are already on the right track.
4) Compromise
A long distance relationship, like any relationship will take compromise by everyone involved. A PCV may plan on never coming to the U.S. for a visit but may find that they need to sacrifice that "pure" Peace Corps experience in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Or one partner or another may need to communicate a bit more or less frequently than desired. Ultimately, it needs to be in all partner's heads that the goal is to keep the relationship healthy and to make it through Peace Corps. If that becomes impossible, hopefully both parties will have communicated enough and are mature enough to make a mutual decision before anyone gets hurt.
5) Know Your Rights/Opportunities
There are so many things I did not know before leaving. For instance: all Peace Corps volunteers have cell phones and most have phone coverage. Many volunteers have internet on a regular basis or at the very least once a month. So, communication options are wide.
Also, volunteers get a lot of vacation days and can receive visitors. There is nothing stopping you from visiting your partner at home, in France or at site if you have the money. It might be a good idea to discuss potential visits and to allocate funds for them before you leave. Halfway through service is a reasonable time for a home visit, because too early can be a major strain on a PCV.
There is also the possibility that you have an influence over your ultimate posting. You might want to make it clear that phone service or internet service is a priority for you, although it might not always be reasonable or possible to accommodate.
6)Support Systems
Partners on either side of the border should have support systems. Let your friends and family know what is going on and what your agreements are. Let them know if you want them to keep you in check or let you know if something seems wrong. Support systems can be great for those hard times or to help avoid temptation. Or they could really help if you need a reality check but are too thick-skulled to figure that out on your own.
Whether at home or in a host country, you may want to have contact with mutual friends that can let you know if something seems wrong with your partner or if you should check in. Sometimes you need that outside perspective or a little extra help to keep the communication machine oiled. Don't put too much stress or responsibility on your friends, but don't ignore your resources.
It is probably a good idea for anyone to have an emotional emergency plan. Who would you call? What if you can't call them? Where would you go? Can you stay with a friend or get to the capital city easily if you need emotional support? Who can you trust? Who can you vent to? What are signs you shouldn't be left alone? What are times when you might get depressed or need a little extra help?
In the end, if you feel like you shouldn't be alone or need help you should ALWAYS call a friend or if you are a volunteer a PCMO. Just do it no matter how much you feel like you are an inconvenience. This is especially important if you think you might be a danger to yourself or other people. I personally write a mood journal so that I can catch if I have been sad for an abnormally long time without explanation.
When it comes down to it, being or knowing a PCV isn't easy. When that is a long distance relationship during Peace Corps service it is even more challenging. That doesn't mean that a healthy relationship can't be an asset to your service or that service can't actually improve your relationship in some ways. It also doesn't mean that you can't make it through a break up if that is what it comes down to. Being in a relationship or breaking up doesn't mean you can't finish your service. Being in Peace Corps doesn't mean you can't be in a long distance relationship. It really comes down to the people involved and the work they are willing to put into a thoughtful approach to their relationship.
In the end I hope that no one has to go through what I had to and still am experiencing. I hope that these tips will help someone make a healthy decision that works for them.
If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me at hall.casey.d@gmail.com.
Sent from my BlackBerry? smartphone from Airtel Burkina Faso.
Source: http://caseydhall.blogspot.com/2011/07/tips-for-long-distance-relationship-in.html
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